Trapped In Trauma
*Some of this blog was written between 2019-2021*
This isn’t about how much trauma, or what type of trauma I’ve experienced.. or that you’ve experienced.
It’s about healing, forgiving, loving, learning, growing, thriving, flourishing and genuinely experiencing peace / joy.
I was having a conversation with my counselor a couple of weeks (years) ago and we were talking about happiness. I explained to her that I remember glimpses of happiness but I don't remember long periods of it.
She said, “What does happiness look like to you?” I struggled with that.
I couldn’t really answer the question. It felt so unfamiliar. Like something I’ve wanted for a long time but could never get or keep. Something I wanted to experience more of.
When I thought about happiness I thought of it as a destination - less about what things I could do to trigger the emotion.
What would actually make me happy? I was more consumed with what I dreamed it would look like vs. WHAT I COULD DO that would spark the feeling.
My counselor said, “How do you define happiness if it’s difficult to identify what it looks like ? How do you know you haven’t experienced a lot of happiness, if you can’t acknowledge what makes you happy?”
That was an interesting perspective. I felt overwhelmed with clarity - something so simple. I had never realized that I was so consumed with the trauma that my mindset wasn’t allowing me to acknowledge the happiness.
It was there and once I started thinking about what makes me happy, I realized that I had been consumed with an abundance of it.
I was looking at happiness like a destination I had to get to, but the reality is, happiness is experiences. It’s something you can experience along your journey. You don’t have to get to “a place of happiness”.
From the small things to accomplishing your biggest goals...identify what makes you happy. Identify what makes you happy every moment - every day. As you grow your desires change. Have the conversation with yourself and make sure that you are going out of your way to experience things that will make you happy
In the moment, be intentional about RECOGNIZING that you are happy.
The disconnect for me was recognizing the happiness. I was experiencing it throughout life but I was so consumed with negativity that I wasn’t acknowledging it every moment I felt it. After the conversation with my counselor…she challenged me to identify what happiness looks like. I quickly realized I did /do things on a daily basis that make me happy. For example, getting an iced late makes me happy, and I typically have one every day. Eating good food makes me happy - I eat a lot of good food. Traveling - Ive traveled a lot. I have big dreams and want to create impactful change in this world - I love that about my life and myself - these things make me happy and I do them often.
In the same conversation, my counselor and I proceeded to talk about mindset. We shared our trauma stories and talked about having a perspective of understanding that my healing process is going to continue to be a process.
Even though I’ve done a lot of work, I still have to deal with the reality of what’s happened. I can’t take away the trauma that occurred but I can heal, move forward and live an abundant fruitful life.
She said, “Improve your perspective on the fuck shit you deal with” & “Find strategies to experience peace in the midst of chaos”
I needed that!!! Because at the end of the day…Nothing is perfect and there is always going to be something that comes up. It’s about how you respond and continue to respond. Work to find routines, systems and habits that put you in a position to create peace, joy and happiness regardless of your circumstances.
Take the time to heal and be mindful of the thoughts you are telling yourself. Its okay to decide you need to tell yourself a different story and change the narrative. Its okay to release what is not serving you. Its okay to decide you are not going to continue to be miserable and work to create the change that needs to occur for you to release the pain.
I’ve experienced an abundance of blessings and opportunities with my family and friends, and in the midst of it, suffered from depression and anxiety on and off throughout my entire life.
The trauma is real but it wasn’t necessary for my life to be as painful as it’s been. Knowing what I know now, I could have experienced a lot of happiness if I had acknowledged it every moment I felt it.
In the past, I would travel to get away from the anxiety - thinking it was due to my environment or the people I was surrounding myself with and would be surprised when I’d find myself anxious on a trip - feeling like, “damn it’s me lol it’s not my environment or the people” it was so frustrating the first couple of times I experienced that. I was so disappointed that I couldn’t escape the pain. No matter how hard I tried or how far I went.
Once I realized that the depression and anxiety existed, it allowed me to orchestrate a plan to heal and work towards creating change so I don’t have to experience the pain that comes from it.
I wanted to create systems so I could deal with my emotions in an effective way. I wanted to be able to talk myself off a ledge and out of panic attacks. I wanted to build habits that were healthy and improved my quality of life. Acknowledging the pain and suffering allowed me to create a space to be proactive and cultivate my skills to recognize when I need to implement solutions.
If I was writing to the younger me, I would tell myself to focus on myself first and to focus equal efforts in building my dreams and being happy / healthy.
I’ve spent so much of my life focusing on work, building my businesses and setting goals that I disregarded me and my personal needs for decades.
A lot of my trauma is generational. My family and I have been through a lot. I have been trapped in trauma for my entire life and I am no longer willing to tolerate and accept that.
I am not trapped anymore. I am free.
I believe the process can be peaceful - It doesn’t have to be miserable. I know what It feels like to not want to get out of bed or be in public. I know what it feels like to live in fear. I know what it feels like to be surrounded by negativity. I know what it feels like to feel worthless. I know what it feels like to not have the energy to take care of yourself. I know what it feels like to have to eliminate people and habits. I know what it feels like to feel like no one understands how you feel or what you’re going through. I know what it feels like to give up. I know what it feels like to grieve.
I know what it feels like to be anxious and depressed. I know what it feels like to not know what happiness is. I know what it feels like to start to feel better. I know what it feels like to be able to create change. I know what it feels like to get your strength and motivation back. I know what it feels like to want to be better.
I know what it feels like to start over. I know what it feels like to heal and move forward.
I pray that you receive all of the love, peace, joy, happiness, abundance, healing, support, opportunities, resources, relationships, partnerships, safety, security, wealth, business, everything you want / need and more. You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to experience an overflow of blessings. You are worthy of all the goodness coming your way. You are worthy of saying “no” to anything that doesn’t serve you.
I am sending prayers up for you - that you receive more than you imagine. More than your heart can conceptualize. I pray as you continue to grow and heal.. that you feel more and more worthy of every blessing coming your way. I pray that you become more prepared for any burdens that arise and you can recognize your strength when you need it most. You have everything that you need.
I pray this journey you’re on is enjoyable.
It’s not always going to be easy but it will always and forever be worth it.